My man always tells me, that I am a very special person. Cute, ha? It would be, if he wouldn’t mean special in a very special way. 😉 Unfortunately, I am the kind of person who has difficulties with improvement. Meaning, I am not improving my skills as easily, or let’s say steadily, like other (normal) people. For me, every climbing route and every via ferrata is a new challenge. No matter if I’ve already successfully climbed it or not. On every single trip, there is a chance of massive failure. And disappointment.
Honestly, I don’t know why I or my brain is functioning this way. I don’t like it. Because I can’t rely on my abilities. Ok, I am getting better, but it takes some time and sadly failures are always possible, even though I should feel secure and sure of myself on the second or third time on the same route, but that’s the problem. Sometimes I am not. My life goes like this: two steps forward, one step back, two forward, one massive step back….and so on. You see, there is improvement, but not in an efficient and supposedly normal way, which would be: one step forward, another step forward, a third step forward, etc. Even though there may be several steps back on the way, it is a straight and stable way of improvement.
What’s the matter?
I have thought a lot about this dysfunctionality. I can’t really explain it. It feels like, there are great days, normal days and sometimes days where I feel like my brain has done a reset. Back to start. Those days where I am not even able to reach the entry point of a via ferrata because of unexpected fear. Or those days where I have no strength and no endurance for a usual hike.
It seems I am a person with very (!) differing daily conditions. There can be days where nothing can stop me, where everything ends in a success. Unfortunately, it’s those periods of “smooth sailing” that are elusive. Because I start feeling too sure of myself, so it seems. Then, I am thinking to myself, finally I have made several steps forward and can speak of a real normal-people-improvement, only to end up in a massive fuck up.
The worst thing so far has been my failure on a via ferrata in June. I have had successfully climbed it two months before without any problems. Not even tiny doubts. I just did it and it has been great. But two months later I wasn’t even able to put a foot on the rock. It was like….blankness. I can’t describe it, I just failed. Big time.
Naturally, since then I am avoiding this via ferrata. I am definitely going to try it again in spring, but there is still the fear of failure. Because I can’t trust myself in this. I mean, I have already done it. So why did I fail?
I’m a work in progress
I don’t know. As I said, my life has always been this way. My way of coping is to try it again, again and again. Every single time. I have to face my fears or doubts every single time anew. Maybe, that’s how it works for me. Maybe I need the thrill. Maybe that’s why I am not bored easily. 😉
Now, you see. When I am writing about challenges in my life, those are definitely challenges for me. No matter how often I have succeeded before. I think, the most important part in this is to leave your own comfort zone. And never give up.